A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
The guy says, "OK, then I want to die after the Republicans balance the budget and eliminate the national debt."
“You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
Illegitimi non Carborundum
During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol: Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke: Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup: Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil: Alive.
So the minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?” Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand, and said:
“As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
Illegitimi non Carborundum
During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
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Sun Jul 24, 2016 4:39 pm
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