Homo Liberalis: A Field Guide to Identifying Liberals in the Wild

By Tim Dunkin Saturday, January 25, 2014

Zoologists have long been fascinated by the species Homo Liberalis, known widely by its non-scientific designation as the Wild North American Yellow-Bellied Liberal. This species, found all across North America, differs somewhat from its more successful European cousins. Though widely considered a pest creature by farmers, small business owners, and taxpayers, this species has nevertheless garnered the interest of scientists seeking to study it in its natural habitats.

The best way to study homo liberalis is in the wild. Indeed, it is considered detrimental to try to domesticate this species or to import it into your own habitat, due to the destructive and corrupt tendencies it displays. As with any wild animal, caution is recommended when interacting with liberals. This species can be very unpredictable if you do not know how to handle it properly. Under no circumstances should the field observer ever voluntarily allow homo liberalis near a voting booth.

It is our hope that, by heeding the instructions and advice of this field guide, your experience of observing homo liberalis from a distance will prove to be instructive and rewarding. Despite its many shortcomings, this species can be highly entertaining, and indeed, in many cases individual liberals can provide hours of amusement as they are observed in their natural habitats. Below are listed several of the most common subspecies of homo liberalis that you will encounter in the wild. This is not, of course, an exhaustive listing of the wide variety that can be found among this species.

Homo Liberalis Marxistus

Habitat: Washington D.C., Ottawa, all the state and provincial capitals, New York City, university humanities departments all across the continent.

Marxistus is considered by many zoologists, as well as many individuals within this subspecies itself, as being the most primitive and “pure” of all the homo liberalis subspecies. Indeed, the other subspecies of liberals appear to genetically derive from marxistus. This subspecies is most commonly found wherever political power is concentrated; taxpayer monies appear to be one of the primary sources of sustenance for marxistii. This invasive subspecies exhibits a ravenous appetite and will aggressively seek other food sources when it exhausts its current supplies.

Many liberologists who observe marxistii in the wild have noted that this subspecies will often engage in swarming behavior similar to that seen with termite infestations. Individual marxistii will serve as “scouts,” establishing themselves within the architecture of a university, political party, or other territorial unit. These scouts will them chemically signal to other marxistii who then can invade the new nesting ground with little resistance. In this way, marxistus propagates without ever having to build anything for itself.

When making observations of marxistus in the field, certain precautions must be taken. It is wise to keep your wallet on a chain, or even not to bring it on safari, due to the marxistus habit of picking pockets. Be careful not to anger marxistii which occupy positions within government—while not a direct physical threat, marxistus is still capable of ruining your day using their bureaucracy stink glands. If you should find yourself the object of marxistus attention in the wild, expect to be the target of a regulatory charge—therefore, it is highly recommended that you do not encourage marxistus by overfeeding it.

Read more:

http://canadafreepress.com/index.php/article/60706

Zitat

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Homo Liberalis Affluentius

Habitat: The Acela corridor from Washington D.C. to Boston, Toronto, any suburban or urban area where the homes are valued at greater than $500,000.

Affluentius is an interesting specimen. This subspecies is often considered to be suspect by other subspecies of liberals. As a result, affluentius has developed behavioral patterns designed to ingratiate its self with them. Adept at mimicry, homo liberalis affluentius will seek out and emulate behavioral goals held by other subspecies of liberals, often changing its mimicry pattern several times a year based upon its perceptions about its environment.
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I suggest that Homo Liberalis actually includes two closely related nearly interchangeable species, each of which contains the same set of subspecie:ofli]Homo Liberalis Democratii[/li]