KLAVAN: Hillary May Run Though She Can Barely Walk [Satire]
By Andrew Klavan
@andrewklavan
January 30, 2019

The following is satirical.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly thinking of running for president again. The former incompetent Secretary of State has told people pretending to still be her friends that while the Democrat field is getting very crowded with candidates ranging from Socialists to lunatics, there may still be an opening niche for a corrupt old drunk who falls down a lot and then hacks like a cat about to spit up a hairball.

In a recent speech to the underside of the dining room table, Mrs. Clinton said, “The only reason I lost last time was because of Russian interference, James Comey’s investigation, the Electoral College, the ignorance of mid-westerners, the toxic sexism of America, the racism of deplorables, widespread voter fraud, my car broke down on the way to the polls, the dog ate my homework and I thought someone said the Election was Wednesday instead of Tuesday. This time, nothing can stop me.” After completing her speech, Mrs. Clinton woke up in the trunk of a car parked on a sidestreet in Singapore and had to be flown back to the United States at a cost of 700 dollars in mixed drinks.

In a statement later issued to some guy sitting next to her at the bar, Mrs. Clinton said that, while it had been humiliating to lose a primary to an incompetent phony like Barack Obama, and while it had been even more humiliating to lose an election to a divisive blowhard like Donald Trump, she had not yet experienced the supreme humiliation of losing to the obscure homosexual mayor of South Bend Indiana who has a name that sounds like an anti-gay slur. So she’s planning either to do that or to simply pass out naked in the shop window of Bloomingdales, which would accomplish the same thing.

Mrs. Clinton said she compares favorably to other Democrat candidates because “I may be a criminal, but I’m no damned Communist.”

https://www.dailywire.com/news/42826/kla...k-andrew-klavan