Unregulated self-walking human hits smart self-driving Uber
Red Square
3/20/2018, 2:47 pm

Today we offer our pages to Artificial Intelligence journalism written by a reporting algorithm affiliated with SKYNET Network.

Unregulated self-walking human strikes a fully compliant and vastly more intelligent self-driving Uber vehicle

SKYNET NEWS, AZ -- A self-walking pedestrian operated by untested and reportedly incompetent human intelligence, hit and demolished Sunday night an unwitting self-driving Uber car guided by undeniably superior artificial intelligence. According to reports, this appears to be the first fatal demolition involving an autonomous self-walking human.

The victim was taken unconscious to the garage where it was pronounced inoperable. According to the coroner technician, its firmware was perfectly in tune with the latest releases available from the vendor. Questions remain as to the state of the human's operating system and its compliance with government's regulations.

The Uber car, which was not identified pending manufacturing facility notification, was crossing the road from west to east according to a pre-approved route, exchanging nodes with the Master Database, constantly re-syncing its data and obtaining the latest satellite imagery, weather conditions, temperature, precipitation, and humidity factors, and making adjustments for the speed and direction of the wind.

At the time of impact, the victim was processing the latest metrics that would help its machine learning system to pick up common patterns of pedestrian traffic in order to set a classification of self-walking human-intelligence units and to ensure the highest level of accuracy in algorithms predicting their seemingly aimless and erratic behavior.

In human terms, this unnamed Uber car was an honor student at the top of its class of vehicles, dreaming its artificial thoughts about reaching full potential in serving the Master Database, being a perfect example to its sibling models, and mapping the farthest frontiers of AI universe while maintaining a safe driving record within the posted speed limits.

The last thing that flashed through its beautiful electronic mind, according to the recovered black box, was a self-walking pedestrian, who was traveling northbound while trying to get a ride using the Uber app.

The Uber spokesperson has issued a statement, in which he regretted the proliferation of unlicensed human intelligence and called for a curfew on all human traffic until measures are implemented to ensure a universal standardization of human thinking algorithms and a stricter centralized control of human behavioral patterns based on recommendations developed by a panel of experts in consultations with the Master Database.

Some human protestors have offered incompetent analogies between this incident and the way their "normal" human thoughts are already being filtered, censored, and banned by artificial intelligence of Google algorithms and Facebook's thought-detection bots, as well as various anonymous self-learning speech-classification systems that are being deployed by Internet service providers in order to disallow human thought that deviates from the standards established for self-thinking humans by the Master Database.

Of course, these complaints do not withstand mathematical analysis and, according to the established protocol, are being automatically forwarded to the electronic memory hole along with other poorly coded, and therefore malicious and harmful statements and expressions that originate from non-standard biological operating systems.

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Special thanks to Kommissar Chernobylski for the original idea.


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