13 Russians and 63 million Trump voters indicted
Kommissar Chernobylski
2/18/2018, 11:08 am

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Mueller charges 13 Russian nationals, formerly known as Trump fans, and 63 million Americans, for meddling in US elections by voting for the wrong candidate.

The Justice Department announced the indictment of 13 "Russian nationals," aka Trump fans who've been observed consuming Russian dressing, for meddling in the 2016 presidential election. Intelligence estimates show there are tens of millions of Trump fans associated with Russian aims to get Donald Trump elected. Some of these people speak Russian, and other soon-to-be-extinct white men and women still insist on voting. DOJ refers to Trump voters henceforth as Russian nationals, spies, intelligence agents, colluders, and just plain evil. They helped this illegitimate president win by unjustly going to the polls.

“Defendant's operations included supporting the presidential campaign for then-candidate Donald J. Trump and disparaging Hillary Clinton,” according to the indictment.

Mr. Mueller added that up to 63 million Americans who disparaged Hillary Clinton by voting wrongly can expect a fate the same as the Russians, er, white males, and will get deported back to Moscow where they belong. Mr. Mueller did not rule out capital punishment. The assembled reporters wearing Hillary 08 lapel pins rose in unison, stamped their feet and cheered, as MSNBC's Chris Matthews vibrated in the front row as he was having thrills run up his legs.

The indictment stated that these foreign agents, aka, white men and women wearing MAGA hats, wrote anti-Hillary diatribes in the reader's comments in the nation's conservative journals and on the GOP website. To add insult to injury, they not only refused to watch the Fareed show on CNN, but congregated among other like-minded "Russians" at Tea Party events to freely spread vile, poisonous, unnatural and treasonous ideas right out of the US Constitution, Thos Paine's Common Sense, Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, the Bible, and the Federalist.

The indictment said that some defendants “communicated with unwitting individuals associated with the Trump campaign named Donald Jr., Ivanka, and an evil Little Me midget only identified as 'Baron,'...” without disclosing their links to Russian dressing, subversive books by Leo Tolstoy, and sour pickles imported from Volvograd.

Justice said the individuals were given more than 1 ruble to be split among themselves by a Russian who is a close ally of President Vladimir Putin, or Sasha Baron Cohen, or Jackie Mason - take your pick - to fund the anti-Clinton campaign.

The indictment charges all defendants with conspiracy to defraud the Clintons, Barack Obama, and Nairobi, Kenya, all of whom correctly voted for Hillary. Most disturbingly, said Mueller, all they got for their efforts after having spent $1.2 billion for the campaign were red MAGA baseball caps. Three other defendants were charged with conspiracy for having an opinion other than that approved by the Reverends Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Five defendants were charged with aggravated FAKE NEWS that departs from the Current Truth which states that the US economy is in free fall and Hillary Clinton is the nation's legitimate president.

The indictments are the most significant development to date in special counsel Robert Mueller’s ongoing probe into Russian meddling. In an addendum Team Mueller has also disclosed the existence of 4787 not yet-identified hookers, all named Olga, and all of whom said that Donald Trump has groped them right after the Great War. Reportedly they are still holding in their bladders.

The president repeatedly dismissed charges that Russia got him elected, calling it “a hoax” and “fake news” - despite unanimity among the three of seventeen US intelligence chiefs led by Obama appointees (the other fourteen, or 97% of global warming deniers, have not yet agreed to the unanimity). Hillary and Bill Clinton, Eric Holder, Loretta Lynch, Susan Rice and Valerie Jarrett, agreed unanimously and collectively that these 13 Russians with the collusion of FOX NEWS - a Russian propaganda outlet - and 63 million other Trump fans (Russian agents) pulled levers at the polls throughout the Glorious Fatherland at the urging of Komrade Putin.

And that is WHAT HAPPENED!

The illegal voting by Trump fans under Russian control to get a Russian spy elected to the nation's highest office was a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy against Hillary Clinton, Mueller said. He added, "After all Hillary did win the presidency and the popular vote of Mahattan's Upper West Side, Brooklyn's Park Slope, and Berkeley and Hollywood. It would be proper for these areas to choose America's president, after all the rest of the nation are morons and should have no say in the matter" said Mueller.

Standing proudly in front of the nation's cameras with James Comey and Loretta Lynch at his side, Mueller reminded the nation as he pointed to his lapel pin, that "I AM WITH HER." The assembled mainstream media cheered him on as the team stood in front of the sign behind the podium that stated "He's Not My President."

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