PETERSON AFB, CO — North American Aerospace Defense Command is furiously denying allegations the organization’s holiday tradition of tracking Santa Claus’ path on Christmas Eve led to the leak of targeting parameters for America’s hefty nuclear intercontinental ballistic arsenal.

“I thought it was strange that we had Santa starting out here in the Rockies, and heading straight for Beijing and Pyongyang,” said one senior NORAD official, speaking under condition of anonymity. “By the time we had him dropping cluster-gifts on Tehran, we realized it wasn’t the Santa Simulation we were supposed to be running.”

Sources confirmed children watching the Jolly Old Elf’s movements around the globe were actually watching targets populate across a digital world map.

Although many targeted cities and locations were predictable — military bases and production centers of key international rivals — parts of the revealed target list were surprising even to most Americans, and caused significant blowback within U.S. diplomatic circles. Protests across the world gripped headlines this morning, as even Canadians took to the streets with signs reading, “Quebec Probably Isn’t Worth Bombing,” “Please Don’t Bomb Canada, if You Can Avoid It,” and, “We’ll Do Better, We Promise!”

In other countries, anger was palpable, as diplomats and leaders around the world reacted to the leaked intelligence. Afghan President Hamid Karzai again blasted the U.S. for “corruption, greed, and lack of trust” from his enormous golden sky palace hovering over the city of Kabul. In Baku, Prime Minister Artur Rasizade issued a press release asking simply, “What the fuck did Azerbaijan ever do to [the United States]?” Unconfirmed cables from the U.S. Diplomatic Service in Paris suggested that negotiations were even underway for some sort of surrender.

“When I heard what had happened, I went ballistic,” said Gen. Charles Jacoby, Jr. the commander of NORAD. “I mean, there’s certainly going to be fallout from this. I just hope that the international community is willing to move past the looming cloud of distrust, as we work to annihilate any lingering tensions. America simply wants its goodwill to radiate throughout the world, infecting the hearts of friend and enemy alike.”


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